rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
