I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
