Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
