The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
