im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
