I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
