if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
