My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
