Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize