meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
