If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
