My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
