His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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