Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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