Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
