these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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