Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
