shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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