My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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