I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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