I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
