you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
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thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
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We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend