Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".