Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack