We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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