and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
