You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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