he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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