they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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