quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
