He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
