they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
