he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
