In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
