How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
What drink are we having for lunch?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
