we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
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He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
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I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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