she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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