I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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