some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
