She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
