i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
