My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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