I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
