No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
