I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
