Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Randomize
