I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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