I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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