i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
