I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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