her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
