I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
