I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
