She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
