It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
