i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
