is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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