you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
