You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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