lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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